Cartman's Logs
by Tweekslist
Summary: Cartman's log is based on a series of short stories I turned in for homework assignments in early high school.
1. Lovin those subs part I

_**A/N:**_ _ **Cartman**_ _ **'**_ _ **s log is based on a series of short stories I turned in for homework assignments in early high school. Obviously the really gross or messed up parts were not turned in but I found the stories in my closet a couple months ago and it**_ _ **'**_ _ **s fun to do them as they were made to be seen.**_

Chapter One: Lovin those subs part I

Cartman's Log school date: 12.15.09

Our government and more specifically our town, has been hiding something. I have been to hell and back many times before for this town and its people but this… This looks to be the start of something much, much bigger… It all started with the opening of a new restaurant on main-street. Quizno's… Perhaps you've seen the advertisements on TV… The singing rats playing guitar and singing about loving the subs… that's probably what they put in the food you've joked. We all thought it, and I was going to prove it.

I arrived at the bus stop like any other day and saw my friends Stan, Kenny, and of course the Jew, Kyle.

"Hey guys" I greeted my friends.

"Hey Cartman." They said.

"Soooo guy's I have the best idea about how we can make TEN… MILLION… DOLLARS!" I exclaimed.

"Oh no! Not this again." Kyle said. "You are not talking us into trying to form a Christian rock band again."

"No no guys this is way better." I said. "You know how we got a Quizno's subs now."

"Yeah…" Stan said cautiously. Stan always sided with Kyle, and Kyle was always weary of my plans.

"Well I figure if we can get them on video putting those singing rats from the commercials into the sandwich meets then we can sue them and get roughly ten million dollars." I said with the biggest smile on my face. They would love this plan and we would all get 2.5 million dollars.

"What that's the dumbest plan you've come up with yet." Kyle said. "I like that place I'm not helping you shut it down."

"Yeah even you this plan is weak dude." Kenny said through his muffled hood.

"It's not weak you buttholes! This is a great plan! Stan! You're with me aren't you?" I asked.

"Dude let's just get to school." Stan sighed as the bus pulled up and we got on.

I thought that was the end of it and that I would have to find a new plan to get ten million dollars. Little did I know that I would get help from the most unlikely of sources.

We sat down in our desks and our teacher Mr. Garrison walked in looking very flustered. "It's horrible! Just awful!"

Oh boy here we go again he's going through another breakup time for some raging homo drama. I thought.

"What's the matter Mr. Garrison?" Wendy asked. Ugh Wendy was always so concerned about that melodramatic butt-pirate.

"It's Mr. Slave he's become a Quizno's sub!" Mr. Garrison said.

It was at that point that I KNEW I would be able to make ten million dollars. They were turning local gays into sandwiches. The general public would never stand for cannibalism. They unlike, Scott Tenorman, would be able to sue after they were fed people.

"Um Mr. Garrison you do realize that you can probably sue if they turned Mr. Slave into a sub." I said. I figured if I could get Herbert to run out in a panic, me and the guys could get to work taking down Quizno's and blackmailing them for ten million dollars.

"That's it I'm calling the school's attorney. They took away a valuable asset when they took the teacher's ass to become one of their subs!" Mr. Garrison ran out of the room and closed the door.

"Well…" I said "Let's get to work on this then."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and I arrived at the town's new Quizno's and entered in. The hapless teen behind the counter attempted to take our order but we were ready for him. I jumped up on the counter and pulled out my knife. "Get me the person here with the most authoritah. I have a deal to make."

"Oh shit! Don't hurt me! That would be my manager!" The teen screamed and ran for the back.

Kenny and Stan locked up the door as the Jew stood there with a look of contempt on his face.

"Kahl! You butthole help us board this place up. We need to negotiate a blackmail!" I yelled.

"I'm not helping with this I just came to see you fall flat on your fat ass." Kyle said.

I was about to retort with the most clever zinger ever when the door to the back opened. The manager came out. It turned out the manager was actually that douche from the movie theater.

"So asshole you just couldn't stop your evil at not letting us into the new R rated movies now you decided to turn people into subs." I said and played with my knife in my hand. "Well HA HA HA HA! We found you out so give us ten million dollars or we are calling the police!"

"Boys… what are you talking about?" The manager asked me.

"Mr Garrison said you took his boyfriend away and turned him into a Quizno's sub! I don know why he hasn't called the cops but that's good for us because now we can blackmail you and now you have to give us ten million dollars!" I explained as fast as my mouth would move.

The manager just sat there with that same confused look he always had every time he was giving tickets to the movies. "boys there's something that you should probably be told… Come with me."

I didn't know what to think but I will say this… nothing could prepare me for what I saw next.

We were lead down a hallway then down a set of stairs. As we got further down the stairs we heard the singing.

"We love the subs" accompanied by the sound smacking "Cause they are good to us!"

"Jeeeesus Jesus Christ"

"Mr Slave!" Kyle yelled "We can still save him from you!"

"Just see for yourselves" the manager said and opened the door.

Inside was the strangest thing I've ever seen and I live in this town. Mr. Slave was tied up against the wall as he was half the time when any of us saw him anyway. He wasn't being tortured at least not against his will. And he wasn't being turned into subs. The subs were being turned into him. Or rather put into him. Next to Mr. Slave two of those singing rats from the commercials were standing with a pile of subs. The subs were being inserted into Mr. Slave's ass.

"Dude fucking gross!" Kenny mumbled under his hood.

"See boys! This is the secret of the Quizno's subs. They are warm because we toast them inside a sub's ass. Sub stands for submissive, and Mr. Slave is our newest submissive." The manager said.

"Dude gross!" Stan said and puked.

"Now that! That's unsanitary!" One of the singing creatures screeched. "Clean that up!"

"Right away sir." The manager said and grabbed a mop.

"What the hell are you anyway?" I asked.

"We are sponge monkeys!" The creature said. "Our hideous ugliness once caused us to be shunned from the rest of nature but now now we have a plan. Once everyone in America has eaten a delicious Quizno's sub from a sub we will reveal that everyone is just as much of a shit eater as you think we look like!"

"Fucking gross I'm gonna tell on you!" I yelled and started to run for the door.

"Then we have no choice. We will have to kill you!" The sponge monkeys yelled and flew at us.

"AHHH they can fly!" Stan and Kyle yelled and pushed past me. I ran behind them followed by Kenny. I reached the door and turned around to see Kenny get taken down by the pair of sponge monkeys. As I closed the door the larger of the two creatures reared back and opened its mouth before engulfing Kenny's head.

"Oh my God they killed Kenny!" Yelled Kyle

"You bastards!" followed Stan.

"Guys we gotta get out of here and warn the town!" I yelled. "There's no way we are getting ten million dollars out of those things!"

We ran and listened as the chewing noises continued as the sponge monkeys ate Kenny. The noise then changed to the manager begging for his life. We didn't stick around to find out if his begging was successful.

I write this as a warning Mayor. We need to warn the entire town of South Park and probably mobilize the National Guard or some shit! Fight for Kenny! Fight for Mr. Slave! Fight for the lost! Hell No Quizno's goes!

God I hope this works.


	2. Lovin those subs part II

**Chapter Two: Lovin those subs part II**

Cartman's Log school date: 12.16.09

Well this has been one hell of a day. So as you can probably expect our asshole mayor didn't heed my warning. Something about not believing that the new Quizno's was actually a secret plot by mutated animals to shove sandwiches up a gay man's ass. Well let me tell you the plot went so much further than that.

My friends and I retreated to my house. We didn't get much sleep as we were sure that any minute now those rats were going to find us. The Jew suggested we set up a watch schedule. I suggested that Kahl take the first watch and Stan take the second watch. I would sleep the entire night. This didn't fly with these assholes and I wound up with the last watch meaning I had to get my ass up at 4 in the fucking morning. God I hate these guys… but I don't want to be eaten by these spongemonkeys or worse have them shove something up my ass.

In the morning Kenny came over I wonder where his poor ass was all night but whatever probably out watching his dad be white trash. Anyway we set out at around 9 in the morning to hopefully save the entire town. Our mayor hadn't listened to me about those goddamn hippies a few years ago. Hopefully she would listen to me about this. We made our way carefully down the streets until we got to city hall.

When we arrived at city hall we were surprisingly let in to see the mayor right away. This was good I figured that bitch was finally listening and I would get everything I needed to stop these abominations that were plotting to destroy our way of life. I was sitting in a chair in front of the Mayor's desk, making a mental list of weapons I would need from Jimbo's gun shop when something unexpected happened.

The Mayor walked in. "Here are the boys who sent me the confession." She said and pointed at us. Officer Barbrady and two lawyers walked in.

"Alright boys you are under arrest for breaking into Quizno's subs yesterday." He stated. "You're coming with us."

"You're also being sued by the Quizno's corporation for damages to property and lost wages of employees due to the reconstruction efforts that will need to be done to repair the building." One of the lawyers said and held up a bunch of legal documents.

"You goddamn no good blue haired fucking bitch!" I yelled at the mayor and lunged before being shoved back into the seat by one of Barbrady's grunts. "You've sold out our fucking town again."

"You are a very rude little boy." The mayor chided. "Take them away."

"Alright you're coming down town right now." Officer Barbrady said and put the cuffs on the four of us.

"What the fuck!" we all yelled.

"We didn't even do anything other than escape from you're crazy ass sandwich dungeon!" Stan yelled.

"Oh really?" The Quizno's lawyer chuckled ominously. "Let's review the tapes again."

One of the Mayor's assistants wheeled a TV with VCR in and the lawyer put in the tape. The footage was obviously doctored footage of four fucking adult ass Mexicans wearing the same hats we do walking into the Quizno's with guns. The Mexican us smashed the soda machine, robbed the cash register, and then forced the movie theater guy to jack each of them off into the salad dressing.

"See what you did boys. You destroyed everything, robbed the store, and cause a condition similar to date rape psychosis in a teenage boy's mind." Officer Barbrady said.

"Goddamn it they know they can hire Mexican's and dress them up to fool people." Kyle said under his breath. "How would they have known that unless – Oh no… They got to Garrison!"

"Very perceptive." The lawyer smirked. "I have selected him for the process."

"What process?" Kyle said with a confused look on his face that normally I would enjoy given other circumstances.

"The process needs people who know how to deal with adverse conditions." The lawyer robotically said. "Take him to the facility."

Two more men in suits and black sunglasses came in and grabbed Kyle. Kyle tried to hold onto his chair but was lifted up. Kenny grabbed onto the chair leg in an attempt to help Kyle resist.

"Take care of that obstacle." The lawyer commanded. The suited man not lifting Kyle pulled a gun out of his jacket and shot Kenny point blank in the head. Blood splattered everywhere around the office including on mine and Stan's

"Oh my god they killed Kenny!" Stan yelled.

"You bastards!" Kyle yelled and was quickly whisked out of the room by the Quizno's reps.

"Now boys anymore resistance in you?" The lawyer asked rhetorically.

"Well this fucking sucks." I said as the cell door slammed shut in front of me and Stan. That Jew rat is gonna get processed, whatever that means and we are going to miss it.

"Dude… The town… Maybe saving Kyle from whatever this process is?" Stan said and slapped me.

"Screw you Stan you stupid asshole! Don't you slap me! I'll twist your nuts off!" I yelled and attempted to punch Stan right in the face.

"Fuck you!" Stan yelled and punched again. "It's your damn fault we are in this mess! You just had to get out of class and try to sue Quizno's subs! I'm never listening to another one of your stupid plans to make 10 million dollars again!"

"Ow Stan stop hitting me!" I yelled and backed off. "You do realize I can get us out of here right?"

"How?" Stan demanded as he raised his fist in case he was unhappy with what I said next.

I thought quickly. Most of my plans usually involved four people and if it was a good plan it also involved screwing over Kyle. I had neither of those things at my disposal this time. So in the awkward three seconds of silence I thought up the best plan I could.

"You're going to have to let the guards fuck you in the ass Stan…" I explained two seconds before taking another punch in the face.

"I don't think so."

"Okay ok." I pleaded. "Let's think about this we have to have something that the guards want."

"How about we just try telling them that –

"You guys need to break out?" Came a voice from the next cell over. "You gotta do something for me!"

It was Towlie. Oh shit this day just couldn't get any worse. I figured that since we were in one hell of a tight place I'd see what fucking Towlie had to say. "What can you do to help us?"

"I'm so not high right now. That dumb Quizno's subs guy took away all the weed in town. Said he needed it for some kind of process." Towlie explained in a more coherent voice than I had ever heard out of the strange sentient Towel.

"Yeah so can't you just sneak in there and get it back?" Stan asked.

"No the last time I tried sneaking in there they tried to use me during the clean-up process cause well… I'm a towel."

"So what do you want us to do?" I asked.

"If I wiggle through these bars and get the keys to let you out you have to promise you will let me keep all the weed you find in the facility." Towlie sternly instructed.

"Fine you can keep all the stupid drugs." Stan barked. "Wait wait wait! What exactly is this process?"

"If I told you, you wouldn't be willing to go in there and well it's a lot of pot." Towlie said as he prepared to wiggle through the bars of his cell.

"Now do we have a deal?" Towlie inquired.

One deal with a stoner towel and a trip to the police station armory later Stan and I were armed with handguns and on our way to the facility. We had learned from Towlie that the community center, which had been bought by Quizno's a few days before. We arrived outside the community center and readied our guns.

"We should probably go through the back door." I said.

"Yes cause sneaking around behind the scenes has gone so well in our dealings with Quizno's so far." Stan said sarcastically.

"You got a better idea Stan?" I asked knowing that he didn't. "They have guards with tasers at the front door."

"Okay okay." Stan said and put his hand on the bridge of his nose in frustration as he closed his eyes. "We will go through the back."

The two of us crept around the back of the building and found an air vent entrance at chest level. "Well this looks like the best way to sneak in." I thought out-loud. "It's how they do it in the movies." I pulled as hard as I could and the grate popped off with a loud groan."

"Hurry let's get in there I'm sure they heard the noise and they're gonna send someone to investigate if this facility is as important as it sounds." I said and pushed Stan into the entrance of the vent before following after. I made sure that I pulled the grate back over the entrance to attempt to cover our tracks.

We climbed through the air vents trying to be as quiet as we could. We would look out through the vents that we passed by to try and get an idea of what this facility was. The first could of rooms were just filled with papers and cubicles. It was strange that the community center had been converted into some sort of office building so fast but really in grand scheme of crazy fucked up stuff we had just seen in the past 48 hours that somehow didn't bother us as much. It was as we got further into the building the sights and sounds began to get more disturbing. We passed by a room where the lawyer sat at a desk. His two guards from before would bring someone in and they would be "evaluated" and assigned to a "function"

"Next" The lawyer commanded. Kyle was lead into the room. He stood before the lawyer for a grand total of one second before a judgement was made. "Strawberry dip." The lawyer said "next!"

"Shit what's the strawberry dip?" Stan whispered as we leered down through the vent watching as Kyle was lead out of the room.

"Oh you're going to find out!" Came a screech from our left. We turned to see a sponge monkey in the vent ten feet away from us.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Stan said and fired his gun four times into the face of the creature. The sound of gunfire echoing in the vent was one of the most deafening things I have ever heard. I'm not proud to admit this but it surprised me and made me jump back. That was too much for the shitty construction of the vents and the section of ventilation duct we were in fell into the room with a crash. After the crashing sounds subsided more gunfire erupted as the guards in the room opened fire into the side of the crashed section of duct. By some miracle we were missed by the bullets. The sponge monkey that was still half alive, and was scratching its way through the section of vent towards us was not so lucky and three more bullets caused the creature to collapse in a pool of its own blood.

Stan and I rushed as fast as we could to the end of the section that fell. It turned out that we had actually fallen onto one of the guards killing him. The second guard had emptied his clip into the vent attempting to shoot us. This gave us a moment to act. Stan hesitated at the thought that he might have to kill a human. Thankfully for him I was an experienced killer and I shot the guard in the throat. The guard collapsed on the ground and the lawyer ran out the door that Kyle had been lead through before the fall.

"Well that looks like our only way out!" Stan gulped and readied his gun before charging at the door. Stan opened the door and stopped dead in his tracks. I ran up and pushed him through the door. "Let me see you asshole!" I also stopped dead in my tracks by the sight of what I saw. Half the town had to be in there. They were all chained to lunch tables naked with their legs spread. Another sponge monkey levitated around the room between different people. Next to each person was two buckets one labeled "ingredients" and one labeled "ship out". The sponge monkey stopped at each person as if a bee pollinating a flower and took an ingredient from the first bucket and forcibly inserted the ingredient into the ass of the individual. The sponge monkey stopped and landed next to Kyle as a Quizno's worker chained Kyle down to a table.

"Got another strawberry dip." The worker said and put a bucket of strawberries down next to the table.

"Kyle!" Stan yelled. "I'll save you!"

The sponge monkey turned around and glared at the two of us. Its eyes filled with hate at the two of us. We could tell that it knew we had killed our way to get here. We thought that the sponge monkey would fly at us but instead it surprised all of us and pulled out a guitar.

"We love the subs" It began to sing. "Cause they are good to us. The Quizno's subs. They are warm because we toast them! We toast them up your ass! We even shove the peppers up there!"

"What the fuck! What is this shit?" I yelled. This strange song meant nothing to me and It was moments like this that I truly missed Chef.

"Now you will hear my master plan!" The sponge monkey screeched at the top of its lungs.

"No we won't." Stan said and loaded his gun before shooting the sponge monkey three times, while missing three more shots. The sponge monkey collapsed to the ground holding its gut. It looked back up at us with a look of failure and hate.

"Ahhh!" Kyle yelled. "Watch your aim that last one nearly hit the table."

"Sorry Kyle." Stand said and reloaded his gun.

"Fool" The sponge monkey growled. "You have doomed your town! We were doing this for the greater good! Others will come… and they will raise this town to the ground!"

Stan slowly walked down the stairs and pointed his gun at the sponge monkey. "We'll take our chances." Stan said and emptied three more bullets into the sponge monkey before turning to unchain Kyle and the others as the remaining Quizno's workers scattered out the nearest exits they could.

I am concerned about what these others the sponge monkey talked about are. I hope that whatever they are they don't show up any time soon… or shove any more food up people's assholes… Until next time… Cartman out…


	3. Mr Colace the Kwanza Poo

Chapter Three: Mr. Colace the Kwanza Poo

Cartman's Log school date: 01.18.10

So I've been filling this journal up with fucked up shit so far but this… ugh really goddamn it here is a story about some truly fucked up shit in the truest sense…

So it was a normal day at school just like any other. We had just gotten back from our Christmas vacation and already the school was already doing its best to both confuse and annoy us. Garrison was already crooning on and on about the Dutch tulip economy or some faggy bullshit when I felt the urge to do something I was very good at understanding, taking a dump. I asked to go to the bathroom and of course was told to wait by fucking Garrison so with a "whatever I'll do what I want!" I walked out.

I was sitting on the toilet and suddenly I heard a vaguely familiar voice. "Hydeeee Hoes!"

"Mr. Hankey!" I said with the joy in my heart that only my good friend the Christmas poo brings.

"No you jive ass honkey! I be Mr. Colace!" came the voice from the toilet. After the voice a small shape similar to Mr. Hankey popped out of the toilet and stood on the seat.

"What the fuck is this?" I said looking down at the mockery of my beloved friend before me. Instead of the happy smile and Santa hat that are Mr. Hankey's signature effects this strange literal piece of crap had missing teeth, a head of thinning; greying pubes on the top of his head, and large lips.

"I'm Mr. Colace the Kwanza poo!" The strange creature said and jumped down onto the floor.

"What the FUCK is a Kwanza poo!?" I asked not believing this shit… hehe… not believing this shit…

Anyway this strange creature replied with "I bring presents to all the good little boys and girls who make poos while on drugs during Kwanza."

"What? That's really dumb… and specific… You stupid turd." I said and crossed my arms.

"Well you can't have any presents because you didn't refer to me as Mr. Colace." The creature said with a deep yet obnoxious chuckle and hopped away.

"Hey get back here you black asshole!" I yelled and kicked down the door. The creature hopped away and slid under the bathroom door. I wasn't going to let this abomination make a mockery out of the creature that brought us presents ever year.

"Guys guys we have to stop this thing! I shouted through no one could really hear. I know that this new thing is weird and well… full of shit… I'm never going to take a dump at school again…


End file.
